It was one too many ales, again!
It's a classic line, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. A long day had turned into a long week and they all knew this, yet they decided to invite me out anyway.
I have to give them some credit, after all, they were only trying to help cheer me up. They knew that I had been down and frustrated ever since Amy left me, and thought it best to liven me up. Of course, I feel terrible now, attacking them like that. Making an embarrassing scene in front of all the other pub goers. And for what? An attempt to justify my grief; to show them what 'pain' looks like? Nah, none of that bollocks.
Lets say it like it is. I was tired, drunk, weary, shy, cornered, and yet, confident, in its loosest form. I wouldn't have acted up that way a week, a month, 10 months earlier, when the infamous breakup occurred.
But still, what made me decide that yelling at my close friends was a fitting justification for my anguish? Why did I posthumously settle on such a dire tribute?
Of course, all is clear now. The reason for the hate, the disdain, the longing have given birth to clarity. Think of the time and money I'd have saved, when all I needed was a good night's sleep..............
Chapter 1
"Sam..............Sam...............Hey!.. Sleepy head!"
The words came softly and deep to my ears. The sound was welcoming, yet disturbingly familiar.
I prised my eyes open, though my brows were heavy. The morning sun, well, I guessed it was morning sun, it could have been any time, permeated through the metal blinds and stung my eyes. I decided to follow the sound and allow my stinging eyes to find the source of the words.
And there she was.
Leaning causally against my chest of drawers. Appearing as if summoned by the gods. Warm, like the spirit of a celebrity, or monarch; I knew exactly who it was, and how to address her. But how was she here? Why was she here? It must have been about 4 years since I last saw Tessa, but her presence made it feel like less. She looked exactly the same, somehow. I assumed she would be showing the obvious signs of age and fatigue, like I was.
She was wearing the same wafting silk dress, deep in purple, which flowed down to just above her small knees. She had worn this dress on one of our first dates. I couldn't remember which. The shade of her dress was distinctly at odds with the dark, golden tint of her hair, reflecting in the mirror that sat on top of my drawers. Her thin, yet sturdy tall frame should have seemed precarious against the furniture, but she made it look easy and relaxed. So, I felt oddly safe.
She glared at me, wanting for me to ask it,"This is a dream, isn't it?" I asked tentatively.
"Yeah, kinda" She answered. She delivered this like she was letting me in on secret. I was surprised to find that her voice still held the ever so slightly west coast American twang, which I never did get to the bottom of. It was still as sexy as hell and never failed to floor me. I raised my head off the pillow and supported myself with my elbows, in order to take in my surroundings.
"Ok, well, errr. I don't really know what to say. Err, hi, I guess. You're looking good!" Really, was this the best that I could come up with?
"Oh, well, thanks. I was worried you'd remember me differently" She looked over at me sheepishly, over a half smile, as if protecting herself from her innocence. "I haven't worn this dress in soo long. I must have worn this on our first date, I guess."
"Not exactly" I corrected her. "You were wearing it the night we went for cocktails, and went for that walk along the river, and we stood and watched the swans. Not that I remember any of that." I was rambling, I needed to calm down.
"Oh of course! Then that means I was wearing this the night we slept together for the first time" She said this as if it were a small, throw away part of that particular memory. This frustrated me a little.
"Yes well, it was the morning afterwards I preferred." It was important for me to clarify this. "The morning after the sex, where we lay in each others arms, listening to music, for hours. That's how I like to remember you". I half expected for her dress to fall away at this point, as if to recreate the scene, but it didn't, thankfully. I guess there was a reason that I'd kept that dress with me. I think it was the distraction of this thought that prevented me from saying that final line.
"You and your memories; I never could pull you away from them." said Tessa.
"Haha, no, I suppose you couldn't"
This was weird. We were being cute, reminiscing, laughing. We'd never acted like this after we'd broken up. On the few occasions where we had bumped into each other, it had been horrendously awkward. A brief exchange of pleasantries and small talk, until a third party usually intervened, giving us an ample excuse to leave. I think the last time I saw Tessa was about 2 years ago, at a gig. This casually friendly back and forth was uncomfortable. I had to change it.
"Tess, not that I mean to be rude, but, why the fuck are you here?!" I said impatiently
"Hehe, I figured you'd find that weird. It was funny watching you squirm out of it. I'm simply here to help."
"Help?! Help with what?" I was intrigued.
"Well let's see. You went out last night. You drank, alot. You shouted at your friends. You almost got into a fight. You went home alone."
I paused. "What are you trying to say?" I said dumbly.
"Wow, you must have really loved her."
"Hang on, what?!" This genuinely threw me.
"It's been almost a year, and you're still torturing yourself over her. It's just a bit lame." She said mockingly.
"Who, Amy?!" I asked
"Bingo!"
I was lost. Did Tessa know Amy? No, That couldn't be it. But she was in this dream with me, so she must know of Amy, or at least my involvement with her. I needed to enquire further.
"So, why are you bothered about me and Amy? Why are you bothered with me at all?"
"I'm not the one who's bothered!" Tessa explained "I'm here to help you snap out of this pit you've dug yourself into over her and the breakup. Well, that and petty lingering issues you have with women in general. I've got quite a task ahead of me, it would seem."
"I'm not in a pit!" I exclaimed
"You were drunk. You shouted at your friends. Sam, you screamed at a puddle, simply because it was in your way!"
I didn't remember this. "Ok, fair enough. It's been a rough few months. But, what? I'm not holding lingering issues about women. Where'd you get that idea?"
"Oh, you are dear!" She was patronising me
"No I'm not" I said defiantly.
"You kinda are"
"I'm not! If I was I'd still be pining over you. But I'm not"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure! It was four years ago, and I dealt with you. I mean, I got over you"
"If you say so" she said, again, with a hint of mockery.
"Yeah, I do say so. By the way, speaking of getting over.....hows the hubby? How longs it been, two years now? I was being immature, but she was annoying me. So, I thought I'd take the focus off me, if I could.
"Three years, and fine thanks. But we're not going to waste valuable time here talking about him" She said this last part with an odd assertiveness, which shut me up, effortlessly. Also, she was right. Why did I give a shit about her husband? I hadn't even met him, but from what I'd heard he was nice enough guy. They'd got together a short while after me and Tessa had split up. It would be a waste of my time to think about him.
Tessa was clearly here for the very reason she stated; to help me and that it was important. I mean, why would she have bothered to spend the time away from her husband if it wasn't. It was kind of nice to think that she was giving me her time like this.
I decided to play ball.
"Fine. So, what happens now? Do we do a spell or something? Destroy all traces of Amy?" I was being purposely belligerent.
" No, none of that nonsense. That would just be stupid"
"Right!"
"We're going to visit her instead."
"Sure, ok, because that isn't stupid at all?!"
"Sam........"
"No it's fine. Let's go and see Amy. Let's go and invite more awkwardness" I didn't see any sense in this. What exactly did she have in mind?
"Sam, do you trust me?
"No!" I declared. This was the truth.
"That would have been easier if you'd said yes, of course. Oh well, you're going to have to on this occasion"
There was no use fighting this.
"Ok, fine" I said defeated. "What do you want me to do?"
"Simple, first you need to get dressed. I doubt I'll be able to help you in your pants!"
There was soo many jokes I could have said at this moment. But something told me that this wasn't really the right time. I mumbled "Sure, just give me a few minutes", and it really did take a few minutes. I'd assumed I'd only have to imagine being clothed, and it would be so, it being a dream and all. But everything felt strangely real. I mean, it clearly wasn't. But there was something different at work here. I could taste, smell and hear a myriad of things, or at least I believed I could.
I didn't realise until later that Tessa hadn't watched me get dressed. There'd be no reason why she would've, she had seen me naked before, as had I with her. This wasn't a shame thing, but a mark of respect that she had displayed. I don't know why but this surprised me. I threw on some clothes, checked myself in the mirror and found my way outside. The sun was still shining, but a light rain had began to fall. I instantly cursed this and quickly considered what effect this would have on my hair; I'd neglected to bring any kind of umbrella.
This thought swiftly left my head and I searched around for Tessa. I appeared to be in a town centre, an oddly quiet town centre. It must've been about 10am, but there was no one to be seen, only Tessa. I caught sight of her standing by a small tree on the promenade. Again, she was completely at odds with the surroundings, as well as the weather.
Her golden hair had fallen softly over her face, but only slightly, leaving enough space for her careful yet striking features to shine through. I noticed that her dress was dry and she seemed so serene with what was taking place. This observation immediately made me review my appearance. My conclusion; I was messy, soggy and unprepared. Not that I knew what I was supposed to be prepared for. I felt ashamed, shy and out of place.
That's when I saw Tessa smiling, her mouth gently curling up at the ends as if to mock me, but to comfort me at the same time. I couldn't resist. I knew I had to go to her. I knew that I wanted to, if anything to get some answer to this confusion.
I made my way across the wet promenade.
Chapter 2
I knew what was about to happen. I somehow knew. Maybe I recognised the street, maybe the light , sound, smell of my surroundings. Before I'd worked it out, the rippling pang of pressure bloomed in my chest, the way it always did. Then I knew exactly what was about to happen.
It was immensely calming when Tessa grabbed my hand and held my shoulder, like a damp flannel on the forehead. It appeared that I had began to stumble upon remembering the scene, so much so that Tessa had to steady me.
"Oh watch yourself. You're not still drunk, are you?" I decided to allow this jibe, simply because I really wasn't sure.
"No, it's just that, I thought I'd forgotten this" That was a lie. The memory of this moment still haunted me. In fact just being here had set me back a considerable amount of months of despair and longing. This scared me the most.
"Well I guess it's a bit pointless to say now, but, welcome to stage 1 of your 'getting over Amy process', or, as I like to call it, your 'Amy-ectomy'!" She lorded this up greatly, complete with dazzling jazz hands to really give it the impression that it was sensational, when it just felt like a wet slap in the face.
"Really?!" I exclaimed, sarcastically
"Ok, we don't have to give it a name. But you know why we're here. I can see it on your face" She said.
"Yes" I decided to tell her the truth, after all, what was the point in hiding it? I had come accustomed to the fact that I had created this scenario for myself, so thought it best to see it through. "This was the moment when I saw Amy with another man for the first time, for the first time since, well, you know."
"Uh huh!" Tessa seemed to be in control here and played the role of the supervisor through this episode.
"But, why show me this bit first? This isn't going to help me"
"I'm showing you this moment first because the most important thing that you need to do before we go any further, is simply to accept" she said
"Accept?" I asked
"Accept that Amy is not yours, that she is with another. That she was, I don't know, just another girl to you. Once you have done this, you can proceed to see her as a phase in your life, or if you prefer, a happy memory"
"Just another girl? JUST ANOTHER GIRL!?" I was shouting. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? I LOVED HER!" I began to compose myself "That's why it hurt to see them together, to see her loving someone else, and so soon after as well. Why are you putting me through this again?" I just didn't understand.
"Because you need this. And besides, you know you can do it, because you've done it before" I knew what she was getting at.
"Yes, I know, but I got over you easily enough." That didn't come out right, and I knew it. "This is different. It's hard, harder than before"
"As it would appear." She said. "Look, just give it a try. Besides, you may feel differently."
I turned away from Tessa and muttered to myself "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?" I hadn't noticed, as I had been so engaged in my debate with Tessa. The town square had suddenly filled with people, bustling around. I continued,"Why am I doing this? Why am I doing...", when my concentration was interrupted by what my eyes had settled upon. The bustling crowds had parted slightly and in the middle of the gap stood Amy, arm in arm with her new man. The moment had arrived.
Her brown hair fell loose down to her shoulders, but not over her innocent, pixie like face, with those soft triangle shaped eyes, wide in excitement, accompanying her delicate button nose. The man was wearing a hoodie and jeans, and appeared grey in comparison with the light and colour radiating from Amy. They were laughing, she was smiling. She was happy. My heart began to break again. I began to turn away.
"No!" Tessa stepped forward and grabbed my arm, to hold me in place. I hadn't noticed that she'd been behind me during this and it was she that was determined for me to witness this. "You must see this! And remember, try to look past her. Try to see her not as angelic, but as just another girl."
I stared out towards Amy and really fought against my mind and my will to fall apart. This process really hurt and I felt a stinging sensation all over my body.
"Come on, you can do it. You want to do it!" urged Tessa. I'd begun to sweat, my ears were burning, my legs growing weary.
Then it happened. I didn't believe it at first, so I took another look.
Amy's brown hair started to fade and turn a bit lighter. Then slightly darker, until it had in fact turned to grey. So did the rest of her for that matter. She continued to smile, but the character had left her. The light emanating from her began to diminish. There was just the two of them stood there now. Just another two people in the crowd, that had now begun to consume them again.
Amy was just another girl.
I was astonished. A brief and small smile broke out on my face. I turned to Tessa who was beaming at my good work.
"And so you see" said Tessa proudly, "Now she's just another girl, in your history, just as she should be. How do you feel?"
"A little exhausted" I exclaimed, through panting and sweat, "Exhausted, but somehow, happy. That was hard work, but it feels soo worth it"
"Good. That's the spirit. Now pull yourself together, we must press on, lots to do." said Tessa.
"What? You mean that wasn't it?" I was surprised, "Am I not over her now?"
"Oh no, not yet. She's not fully out of your system. Nah, that thing that happened just then, that was the easy bit!" Tessa explained.
"WHAT?!" I was genuinely shocked and a little hurt. That process was traumatic. What could possibly be worse? What was waiting ahead? I didn't get the chance to think before Tessa grabbed me by the hand and pulled me into a nearby night club. All I noticed on my way in was how the daylight had vanished and how the gloom of night had sharply descended.
"Where are we going?" I asked tentatively.
"For 'Amy-ectomy: part 2'" Tessa declared, "We're going clubbing!"
Chapter 3
The lights. The smell. The glow. The sound. I hadn't been in a club for years, especially one like this.
I was surrounded by people from where we entered, through the brightly lit corridors and into the main room itself. People with shiny and intensely colourful tshirts and dresses, as they bustled past, smiling and sweating. Everyone was in a rush, but no-one was pushing past. Everyone seemed to give each other the room and the respect, right from the golden steps at the entrance door, down to the glittering dance floor, which was bursting with pure energy. In here people seemed forever golden, forever young, and forever free. There was no cold, only warmth. There was no time, only rhythm. And, most importantly, there was no dark, only light. This was the closest I got to reality, in the whole of my dream.
Tessa was grinning wildly, as she grabbed my shoulder, "Wow, isn't it magical?! Well, come on, aren't you going to buy me a drink?"
We glided over to the bar, which was white and raised off the ground by a silver plinth. There was only a few club goers at the bar and a solitary girl of medium height stood behind it. She looked odd against the towering wall of drinks behind her, all of different shapes and sizes. She began to walk over to me. I took a few seconds to try and figure out whether I recognised her, and where from. But then it occurred to me that I didn't even know what town I was in any more. I'd woken up in my own bedroom, so I assumed I had woken as normal, in my own town. But I certainly didn't recognise the club, or the barmaid, or the other people swanning around. Any attempt to place these items within my unknown surrounding was therefore useless.
Just when I thought I was making headway, trying to rationalise this surreal experience, the barmaid started to address me, ready to take my order. She wasn't like the other barmaids in my town, as I knew it. She was attractive, but in a very understated way, as if this club was the last place she wanted to be seen, but she carried herself as if she wasn't aggrieved by this fact. This being said, her appearance didn't really pronounce her existence to me, not in the way that Tessa's did. No, at times Tessa had a way of drawing the eye of anyone, man or woman, in the room, with just a simple tilt of her head.
It was Tessa who spoke for me in this moment "Yeah, we'll have two vodka cokes!". She delivered this command lightly and with a soft smile to the barmaid. Again, she was in control. Strangely, that's what I would have ordered anyway, but she was taking command. She knew exactly what was in store for me. This made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Suddenly, the lights in the whole room flickered, only for a second or two, and then shone bright once more, just as before.
I looked out across the dance floor in the lowered platform beneath us. The colourful youthful people were everywhere. Their collective movement made the elliptical floor seem to pulse, as if it were living.
When I turned back to Tessa, our drinks had arrived, just as I had imagined, in a hand sized bottle, complete with a straw, with a slight curl to it. The straw was neon green, with a pink tinge to the curl. I looked down at my drink, and back up to Tessa with a slight frown.
"Does it fire bubbles as well?" I asked dubiously, with a hint of cynicism.
"No silly, that's what the spotlights are for" She was mocking me again. She gently took a sip of her drink and looked up at me, waiting for my reaction.
I threw her a fed up smile, folded my arms and leaned against the rail overlooking the dance floor. I wasn't angry at her, I was simply frustrated and uncomfortable. I had to admit, I was a bit confused by all of this.
"Why are we here? I don't remember this. I mean, it's great here, really fancy and fun, I guess. But I'm not seeing how it fits in with the plan. How's this place helping me to get over Amy? Besides, I thought I'd just done that outside? What else is there?" I had so many questions all of a sudden.
Tessa took another slow delicate sip of her drink, raised her face to address me, and spoke.
"It's true, you haven't been here before, and it's true that you did effectively 'get over' Amy outside. But you'll still think about her in that, er, way that you do, and I don't mean with 'fondness'". I must have looked confused, so she continued. "Clearly, you're still clinging to some sexual desires for her. She's hot. She's sexy. You're lonely and horny, and your familiarity to her draws you in. It's inevitable."
She knew me so well, "Ok, sure, but I don't understand why I can't just have that. Why can't I keep those particular memories for myself?", I asked.
"Because, they're no longer memories, they're fantasies that grow with each passing month and year. You'll gradually forget what Amy looks like. As time goes on you wont be able to pin point her exact features, mannerisms and reactions without dramatising some sort of scenario where, let's say, you both bump into each other, and then go to your bedroom and, er, bump into each other again, and again, and again, shall we say.
"Besides, she'll no longer appear as a sweet innocent girl, who you can engineer to love you tenderly, because you would've actively changed your perspective of her. You'll have made yourself see her like any other girl. Therefore, when it comes to that lonely moment on a Thursday night, in your bedroom, and you're desperate to picture her in bed with you, you wont be able to. You'll have to imagine some kind of idea, some image of what you think she should be. You'll instantly create some stunning paradigm of sex that allows you to do any number of naughty things to her, but by that point, it's already too late. You'll have replaced your 'beloved' with some hybrid of your 'perfect girl'.
"When you break out of that delirium, you'll suddenly feel nauseous and sad that you can't reclaim what once was, and that you can't have her any more, not in the way that you would like. That is why we must come here and prevent that kind of dilemma from occurring".
I had been listening to every word. But for the entire time she had been talking, I had been watching her mouth, memorised by the way her lips were curling up at the edges, and the way she half smiled as she dissected my problems. It wasn't just me either , nearly everyone who walked past sneaked a glance, as if Tessa were a celebrity. She certainly looked like one.
Also, what she was saying should've sounded as ridiculous. But she made it sound plausible. I've got to say, I began to feel like I could actually do this. The lights flickered once more, and then returned to normal.
"You paint quite a picture" I said, after a brief pause.
"Well it's easy when you're working with a blank canvas" she mocked
"Oooo ouch!" I exclaimed in good humour, "Well I'm glad I could be such a big inspiration" I hoped the innuendo wouldn't be wasted on Tessa.
It wasn't. "It's amazing what you can do with such a small brush" she flashed me a cheeky grin as her mouth searched for the straw of her drink.
This was dumb. We were somehow flirting, and in such an embarrassing way. The not so subtle suggestive imagery we were bouncing back and forth didn't even make that much sense. I was so confused; why was she still talking to me?
We laughed for a bit before settling back into the matter at hand. Almost in a flash, the lights dimmed, making everyone's tops and t shirts sparkle. The deep murmur of a bass line bubbled through the clenched atmosphere, followed shortly by a stabbing, ascending crisp synthesised melody. There was something about the song, as it projected from the speakers, that seemed to demand our concentration and the focus of the entire room. The song both unified and defined everyone in that space. It was the comfort of chocolate and the tang of sex, poured though the sound system, and into our ears. It was exciting. It was music.
Me and Tessa looked at each other, with just one word on our minds. Tessa grabbed my arm, "Come on, show me if you can still dance".
How could I refuse? She led me through the wafting crowd to the centre of the now packed dance floor, just as the thumping chorus kicked in. We were swaying and bouncing in unison and all the time guiding each other with our eyes. This was intensely comforting. Every so often, I'd catch a glimpse of her golden locks, catching the laser lights, the beams shining through the individual strands as they glided through the air.
I tried to keep up with her moves, but she was too in sync with the driving groove for me to catch up. She was completely in control, with her body and her movements, whereas, I felt suddenly drunk and sloppy. As if she'd read my mind, she stopped tossing her head around and starred deep into my eyes, immediately commanding my focus. She placed one hand at the top of my left hip and her other on my right and with a few slow careful nudges, she directed me until I was nestled safely within her groove. She was controlling me, but I didn't mind. This was beautifully intense.
Now we were gliding, in time with the beat, following each others eyes. Sweat began to form on our skins, with our clothes beginning to cling to our swaying bodies. Our faces were only inches apart. My hands were on her hips now. We swayed faster. Our eyes widened. The lights got brighter and shimmered off Tessa's sweat caked cheeks. She broke into a warm half smile, which accentuated her small dimples.
The lights were really bright now, the laser's flicking in intervals, in time with the beat. I saw Tessa slowly raise her upper teeth over her lower lip and bite down gently. I focussed my stare, first on her eyes, then the patch of skin she was nibbling into. This alone made my body heat up and I felt myself yearning for her, the harder she bit. She closed her eyes. She lost herself for a moment, as did I.
When I recovered momentarily, I glanced around to see if anyone was writhing in jealousy at our sordid display. They all were. All eyes were on us. All eyes, apart from one pair. That's when I saw Amy across the swelling dance floor.
It hit me like a bullet. She must have been there the whole time. She hadn't noticed us. She was too involved in her own seductive trance to care. She appeared effortlessly young and free.
In an instant, I stopped swaying, fell out of the rhythm and dropped my hands to my side and began to shift my body in Amy's direction. Tessa lost her grip on my waist, her smile fell away, as she began to step back away from me.
"I can't believe it" I exclaimed "She's...she's here. She..she's dancing" I had no idea what I was saying.
"Sam, Sam!" Tessa was trying to centre my focus, to control me again, "Remember to forget about her. She's not important. Stay focussed on me."
I quickly glanced at Tessa, her eyes pleading for me. I shot a glance back over to Amy, her eyes drawing me in.
"I'm...I'm...I'm sorry....I...I need to talk to....I...she's just there", I was babbling loosing control on my speech, "I'm...I'm...I'll be right back." I walked quickly away from Tessa, my mind focussed on where Amy was dancing.
"Sam, wait!" Tessa shouted after me. But I was gone.
As I got closer, more and more people seemed to descend around Amy, blocking my path. I found myself constantly pushing against a seemingly endless wall of people, hoisting myself over their shoulders as they danced. I managed to catch brief glimpses of Amy, shaking her body suggestively, shaking off her sweat, performing a raunchy dip in a groove. My mouth was watering, I was suddenly hungry for her, if only I could get passed all of these dancers. The lights were flickering wildly and brightly.
The people swarmed ahead of me and all around me. I started to shout and curse in an attempt to part them. But this was drowned out by the sudden increase in volume from the speakers. My hearing was shot. The beat and groove had all but disappeared, merged in an ugly mess of noise and bass. The light had become intense, shining as just a single glare of white across everyone in the room, permeating my eyes.
The sudden sharp memory of Tessa flickered through my mind. I quickly turned around, my eyes searching, but she had disappeared in the intense white mist. Had she left me again? Had I lost her?
I was alone in the white. Suddenly alone. No more music. No more sound. No more Amy. No more Tessa. Just me, standing alone with my vodka coke clutched tightly in my hands. I placed the drink to my lips in an attempt to feel the sparkling liquid against my throat, to feel something real. But instead I felt a sharp burning.
The burning got suddenly bigger and more sharp. Instinctively, my hands jumped up to my throat, as if this would quell the pain. The burning was too intense. It knocked me off my feet and I felt myself falling backwards great speed. Falling backwards with nothing to fall onto. I was falling hard.
Chapter 4
"Sam............Sam.............hey, sleepy head!"
The words came harshly and pierced my ears. The sound was damp and over familiar.
I opened my eyes slowly, half expecting to be shaken by whatever regret was waiting for me. I was surprised. I'd ended up back in my room, which was draped in a heavy yellow and brown glare, the kind that resonates from a dying light bulb. Maybe it was my imagination, but some of the furniture and fittings seemed to be floating, or perhaps vibrating, softly.
Standing jagged, hard against my chest of drawers, Tessa stood with arms folded, starring at me. Her loose hair had turned tense and curly and her purple dress appeared flattened and ironed, which somehow gave her an authoritative bearing.
"Well, well, well.........turns out that you can't even dance, IN A DREAM!" She declared mockingly "It's just sad , is all."
"Ok, I get it. I fucked up" I admitted
"Oh, you didn't fuck up. Fucking up would suggest that you actually achieved something. No, what actually happened there was you stumbling and failing miserably, like a car crash but without the drama, and the, er, drive...."
It was all flooding back to me. But I still believed that I'd made some headway. "I was having fun, while it lasted, and I was smiling, I think" I was convinced.
"If you count stumbling around, banging into people, sweating, before falling to the floor as 'fun', then, yeah sure, why not!?" Tessa didn't seem fazed by the fact that I had left her on the dance floor, but more so that I had failed my task.
I was sick of all the teasing, "Just stop it. Please give it a rest!"
"GIVE IT A REST!" Tessa shouted. I hadn't heard her do this before, "I took you there to purge the last remaining thoughts of Amy and focus your passions. But you blew it all by running after her all over again. You failed, failed to achieve the very objective, that you were there to complete!"
"Now, hang on a second." I had to interject, "I never actually danced with Amy. If I wanted her that badly, wouldn't I have jumped on her and, I don't know, shagged her right on the dance floor?" I couldn't help being crude, I was angry, "Besides, all those people got in my way. I suppose that was my own way of stopping myself?"
Tessa sighed, "It wasn't about actually dancing with Amy. The test was fighting the very need to. Of course you were going to place her on the dance floor. You must have known that you'd do that to yourself. You were meant to resist her. And it's such a shame, for the briefest time I really thought you'd kicked it, when we were dancing together..."
My mind twitched. "Ahhhh, that's it isn't it? This isn't about me, or Amy. It's about You, me and You" I felt the absurdity and stupidity of what I'd said, as I said it, "You're just jealous. Jealous that I'm pining over someone else. That I yearn for another. That you're no longer my 'ex'!"
Throughout this unnecessary outburst, I had risen from the bed I'd been laying in and was stood facing Tessa across the room, pointing awkwardly. I'd also built myself into a wild frenzy, which made me embarrassed. Tessa's face said it all. It was a mixture of disdain, disappointment, hurt, but most of all, exhaustion.
"Finished?" She delivered this in the style of a fed up mother, disappointed, looking down at a disobedient child, face down in a mood.
I didn't feel the need to apologise for this, even though I probably should. "You should have stopped me!" I decided.
"Why should I have stopped you?" Tessa asked.
"To keep me from 'blowing it', as you so poetically put it" I replied.
"Why didn't you stop yourself?"
"Because I was waiting for you to step in, and, I don't know, pull me back, or something"
"How would that have helped?"
I was getting tired of her questions, "Well, it would have changed my direction, my intent, for one. Maybe all I really need is a punch, or kick to rid me of this....delusion?" I was floundering, in an attempt to be assertive. Even now, Tessa had control.
"So, violence is the answer, is it?" Tessa seemed to be retreating, backing slowly against the drawers, pressing the drawers against the wall, making the mirror on top shake slightly.
"What's with all the fucking questions?" This seemed like an important question for me to ask, for some reason.
"Don't ask me. Do you know?" she was beginning to break into a cheeky smile.
"Stop it!" I was getting angry; my hands making sharp motions through the air. "Why can't you just be glad for me?"
"How can I be glad for you when you're acting so weak?"
"Shut up. Just....SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I was fuming, I was right up in Tessa's face.
"And, why do you need for me to stop?" She was really pushing me.
"BECAUSE.....BECAUSE....." I could feel myself snapping
"Because?......"
"AHHHHHHH, STOP CONTROLLING ME! WHY ARE YOU IN CONTROL?! WHY AM I NOT IN CONTROL?!"
Tessa left the question hang in the air for a few vital seconds, before revealing, quite sweetly, the treasure I had been seeking. My attitude. My purpose, "Now.....there's an idea!"
It hit me in the same way that the bass and lights had in the club. It had the same affect. It had washed over me, cooling the sweat that had grown on my face, as a result of my rant. The truth; the error of my ways, soaked me through. I felt my face contorting, changing from the angst and strain from before, into a more shocked, yet calm shape, as I took this all in. Of course the most obvious and pure answer to this riddle had seemed so outlandish, but now seemed so normal and basic.
Control. All I had to do, all I had needed to do was to take the reigns and focus. Suddenly, all the moments in the past 10 months, no, the past 4 years seemed to jump out in my mind like a badly edited action sequence. All the awkward and shameful, ill conceived, badly acted performances I had committed since my break up with Amy. And then, like a thunderbolt, events from before Amy burst into view also. I was presented with episodes from when I was moping over Tessa and our fateful relationship.
I was suddenly shot with a another cool wave of air. How had I not seen this before? This explained everything. Why I had reacted so oddly to the Amy breakup. Why Tessa was even here, experiencing this with me. Why I had reacted to Tessa in such a way, with such a disdain. That was it, this was cooling. I wasn't in control of my mind, and with it, I wasn't over Tessa! This was my awakening, my eyes were opening.
I realised that I'd been stood staring at Tessa, beyond Tessa, intensely glaring at myself in the mirror behind her. My left hand was clutching her right shoulder tightly. This whole thing felt odd, as if I was in pain, when in fact I was tranquil. I let go of Tessa, turned around and found a spot in the middle of the room where the floor wasn't spinning. I took a few careful steps and stood for a while, away from everything else; at peace. Here, I silently replayed the last 4 years over in my mind, revisiting screen shots of memories. Flipping them. Reshaping. Clipping. Cropping. Seeing them differently. It was very moving. The weight that I had felt in my chest and head for so long, was lifting and floating away across the glare of the room towards the open window. Sunlight was streaming in. It must have become day again. The light cooled the beads of sweat on my forehead and neck.
I felt Tessa's small hand on my arm, clutching softly. She'd been stood behind me the whole time.
"Are you ok?" Her voice had lost it's spiky demeanour. It was gentle and somehow caring.
"I'm fine" I replied, "I'm finally fine" And it was true.
I finally felt calm and relaxed. I began musing aloud.
"I've allowed myself to be consumed by some kind of fear, some kind of anxiety for the longest time. It's been eating me, been hindering me. I've been alone, on my own time. The hours, the days, the years I could have saved. Oh, what a time I have had. For some reason I've stored all my memories, all of my thoughts in the wrong way, but seemingly on purpose. Like hiding treasure, when I know exactly where to look. I've just been hurting myself and driving myself into the ground".
As if reminding myself of what that looked like, I looked down towards my feet. And for the first time in a long while, a large and genuine smile broke out across my face. This was peace. This was serenity. This was happiness.
"It's ok" I addressed Tessa from over my shoulder, "You don't need to tell me. I know exactly where we're heading next. The final part of this puzzle. The final part of my 'Amy-ectomy'" I could feel Tessa smiling softly and warmly at this last line. After all, this literal 'in joke' was for her benefit.
I turned to face her. I was seeing Tessa with new eyes now. Somehow, the gold tint had left her hair and her facial features had diminished somewhat. But, she retained her true beauty.
I took her right hand in my left. "It's amazing what you can do with such a small brush". I grinned as she acknowledged this earlier reference and I grinned back, now that our time here together had become something more than when we started. I led here towards the open door that gave entry to the busy shop floor; the shop where I first met Amy.
Chapter 5
Open. The entire floor was open.
The doors that once separated each part in the large store had long since been removed, it would appear. It was easy for us to travel from one shelf to another, or to float from one floor to the next, in moments. It appeared that the walls had been recently painted a fresh coat of white. The clean smell was strong. The light from the street outside, and down below, was bouncing off the walls and hitting the ivory floors, providing a glistening path for us to travel on.
I knew exactly where she would be standing, where I would meet her for the first time.
I dragged Tessa and headed straight for the checkout desk where Amy stood. She looked so innocent, pure in her being. Untouched. Before we got too close, Tessa slowed down and eventually halted, as we passed by some neatly stacked kitchen ware. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and I was strangely glad to hear it.
"I think I'm going to linger here. I don't think I'm going to go any further. You can take it from here" said Tessa softly. It was endearing.
I stood, staring at her, letting the smile break out over my face. "There have been a hundred and one things I've wanted to say to you over the past 4 years, if I ever got the chance" I said "But, all I really need to say, all I've ever needed to say was, thank you!"
And I meant it. I'd always known that this was far from real. That this journey, this awakening had been built by me, for a reason. A reason I now knew. Tessa had been my saviour, my angel, my guiding light, my shepherd. My mind had changed towards her. I now looked upon her with respect and fondness. And besides which, it was great just to see her again.
Tessa simply smiled at my statement, cocked her head to the side playfully and gently spoke, "Good luck, sleepy head!". With this she raised her right hand and gave me a childlike wave, turned gracefully, and floated away out of sight.
I let my smile linger for a moment, and then I turned in Amy's direction. I still had one final act to do here. I just needed a legitimate reason to go over to the counter. Even here the fear of an awkward encounter was fixed firmly at the back of my mind. But this time I had a plan.
I looked to my left in an attempt to find something, anything to 'buy', to get me to the desk. I reached out and grabbed a small blue plastic bottle opener. I didn't spend any time deciding on why I had chosen this item in particular, right now it wasn't important. I picked it up and walked slowly over to the counter.
When up close, I instantly felt taller, as if I could reach right over the counter and touch Amy. But I didn't. I now knew better. I placed the bottle opener on the desk.
"Hello!" I spoke
"Hey" murmured Amy, not looking up from a doodle she'd begun. This was just as I'd remembered it. "How can I help?"
I pushed the plastic bottle opener into her field of vision, "Just this, thank you" She had to look up, surely.
She did. I can only imagine what I must have looked like. Not only the first time around, but now, in all my shining glory. A changed man. She gazed at me for a brief moment, with me glaring at her now, un-fazed, letting this play out. Then she asked almost eloquently, "Oh, ok. Do you want it gift wrapped?"
"No" I said, "It's not a present"
"Oh, that's ok then" She had started to giggle, "'Cos, it would be a bit of a strange present to give someone, wouldn't it?"
I had a slight grin on my face, "Yes, I suppose it would. What would you think if you got this as a present?" I asked with confidence.
"It would depend upon who was giving it to me" Her lips curled at the edges as she delivered this, gazing into my eyes.
"I bet" I replied. I would have thrived upon this interaction, a short while ago, this rare chance to flirt with Amy. But I had changed. I no longer longed for her. I no longer needed to. She was now just a sweet glint, a major chord struck at the end of this tortured and worthwhile process. "Well, maybe one day, someone will get you something you really want. Something that'll make you truly happy. And I bet, that that person will be the happiest in return. You'll be the couple whose gift's simply are, each other. This I hope for, for you. Me? I'm ok. I seek something more now. But, I wish you the purest happiness, as I believed we had once. But, that's gone now. Gone." With this, I grabbed the bottle opener, and turned away from the counter to leave.
Amy stood there in mild shock, seemingly not knowing how quite to react.
"It's ok" I reassured her, "Things get better. They will seem bad, a lot of the time. But then you'll sleep, wake up and feel just right . Believe me." I raised the bottle opener in my left hand and gestured toward Amy, "Thank you for this gift. I'll always treasure it!"
Amy continued to glare for a moment, and then let a small smile creep across her small face. At this moment, she reminded me of Tessa, in an odd way. Within a few seconds, the air had grown warm around me and the white lights had surrounded me again. But this time like a blanket. I knew what this was, and embraced it.
For the first time, in a long time, I was at peace. Relaxed. Content. Happy, and ready.
I lay back down on the soft ground beneath me and closed my eyes. My eye lids were light and cooling.
Chapter 6
The tangy taste. It's always the strong tangy taste that hits you first. The slight burn on your throat. The light bubbling of acidic liquid bouncing around your mouth, accompanied by the dense meaty pong of stale ale. This is what hits you first.
I had to deal with this, fast. I could already feel my stomach churning. I tried to let my eyes open, but every time I did, the yellowy-brown light smeared my sight. Maybe it was the gross conflict of these two elements; the colour and the taste, that brought a sudden pain to my head, right around my eyes. This ultimately made me buckle in agony, the familiar agony that I had inflicted upon myself so many times, as of late.
I knew what I must do. I had to wake up. I had to get up. There was no way that I was going to be sick all over my bed sheets again, as that was what was brewing, fast. I had to get up. I had to move. Wake up sleepy head! What, where did that come from? I never say that, do I?
I forced my weary frame over the side of the bed, kicking against the messed duvet and fought to untangle my cold feet from the crumpled sheets. I placed one foot firmly on the ground and the other caught the cold steel edge of my loose belt buckle, which was still attached, rather haphazardly, to my discarded jeans.
I wasn't sure how much time passed, maybe only seconds. I found myself perched on the edge of the bed, deep in thought. This was a cloudy process. More of a jumble of images of my so called 'friends' from the bar, a repetitive booming dance track, a rainy taxi rank, a hazy department store, a rowdy hen party, a mirror, some of my ex-girlfriends, the first ale, the seventh ale. Oh god, the ale! The very thought of it did the trick.
Within moments, I was stumbling across the dirty carpet, awash with remnants of my night; odd bits of dirty clothes, a glow stick. I reached the small toilet in the cubicle room at the end of the room and lifted the lid, in record time.
I crashed my knees onto the cold dry linoleum floor and leaned deep into the toilet pan, holding tightly onto the rim of the porcelain, waiting for the inevitable.
Every time I got into this state, I would feel a great shame and the regret of a broken self promise, just as the stodgy burning condensed alcohol from the night before came spurting from my dry lips and down into the pan below. This was often accompanied by the higher feeling of wild abandon. The sweet feeling that a great evil was leaving my body to make way for good to take its place. This time was no different.
After several violent purges, the vomiting had ceased. The trial was over.
I lay back against the thin plaster wall and wiped the tiny beads of sweat off my forehead with the back of my pale left hand. I sat there softly panting, studying the dim grey light as it entered the window and cast a dull, saddening glow on my entire room. I scanned the room before me, looking over the mess on the floor, being careful not to take in the mix of stenches emanating from my bed and toilet, respectively. Amongst the filth on the floor, my heavy eyes were drawn to a solitary blue and silver item, nestled in the centre of the room. Oh yes, of course, it was my bottle opener. The architect of my downfall. I had used it several times before leaving the flat the night before 15 hours earlier, a lifetime ago. when making my way through my conservative selection of bottled ale. I instantly fought back the urge to vomit once more.
I was fixated on the bottle opener, for some reason. I hadn't always owned it. Where did I get it again? When did I get it? I suddenly remembered. I had bought that particular item by way of a relatively lame excuse, engineered to have a chance to talk to the girl who would later become my girlfriend, Amy, back when she worked in that shop. Didn't I dream of that last night, I thought to myself. I couldn't be to sure.
Besides, why was I dwelling on that? I hadn't seen that bitch in over 8 months. She was with what's-his-name these days. Why should I care?
I gave myself another 30 minutes rest against the damp wall before carefully lifting myself up onto my feet. The ascent to this great height had come at a price. I clutched my head with my right hand and slowly paced into my room beyond. I needed to find the paracetamol, to ease the pain. Where was it?
God, what a mess! I should really deal with this before it gets worse, I had decided. Now was the time, now that I had the energy.
I began by picking up one tiny piece of drunken night memorabilia at a time, desperately finding relevant homes for the random items. Until, I decided that the best and most productive approach was just to collect all of it together, throw it a bag and dispose of it. I needed it gone.
I reached for my broom, dwarfed by the piles of dirty clothes and junk beside it, and began clearing a path.
"Ok, well, errr. I don't really know what to say. Err, hi, I guess. You're looking good!" Really, was this the best that I could come up with?
"Oh, well, thanks. I was worried you'd remember me differently" She looked over at me sheepishly, over a half smile, as if protecting herself from her innocence. "I haven't worn this dress in soo long. I must have worn this on our first date, I guess."
"Not exactly" I corrected her. "You were wearing it the night we went for cocktails, and went for that walk along the river, and we stood and watched the swans. Not that I remember any of that." I was rambling, I needed to calm down.
"Oh of course! Then that means I was wearing this the night we slept together for the first time" She said this as if it were a small, throw away part of that particular memory. This frustrated me a little.
"Yes well, it was the morning afterwards I preferred." It was important for me to clarify this. "The morning after the sex, where we lay in each others arms, listening to music, for hours. That's how I like to remember you". I half expected for her dress to fall away at this point, as if to recreate the scene, but it didn't, thankfully. I guess there was a reason that I'd kept that dress with me. I think it was the distraction of this thought that prevented me from saying that final line.
"You and your memories; I never could pull you away from them." said Tessa.
"Haha, no, I suppose you couldn't"
This was weird. We were being cute, reminiscing, laughing. We'd never acted like this after we'd broken up. On the few occasions where we had bumped into each other, it had been horrendously awkward. A brief exchange of pleasantries and small talk, until a third party usually intervened, giving us an ample excuse to leave. I think the last time I saw Tessa was about 2 years ago, at a gig. This casually friendly back and forth was uncomfortable. I had to change it.
"Tess, not that I mean to be rude, but, why the fuck are you here?!" I said impatiently
"Hehe, I figured you'd find that weird. It was funny watching you squirm out of it. I'm simply here to help."
"Help?! Help with what?" I was intrigued.
"Well let's see. You went out last night. You drank, alot. You shouted at your friends. You almost got into a fight. You went home alone."
I paused. "What are you trying to say?" I said dumbly.
"Wow, you must have really loved her."
"Hang on, what?!" This genuinely threw me.
"It's been almost a year, and you're still torturing yourself over her. It's just a bit lame." She said mockingly.
"Who, Amy?!" I asked
"Bingo!"
I was lost. Did Tessa know Amy? No, That couldn't be it. But she was in this dream with me, so she must know of Amy, or at least my involvement with her. I needed to enquire further.
"So, why are you bothered about me and Amy? Why are you bothered with me at all?"
"I'm not the one who's bothered!" Tessa explained "I'm here to help you snap out of this pit you've dug yourself into over her and the breakup. Well, that and petty lingering issues you have with women in general. I've got quite a task ahead of me, it would seem."
"I'm not in a pit!" I exclaimed
"You were drunk. You shouted at your friends. Sam, you screamed at a puddle, simply because it was in your way!"
I didn't remember this. "Ok, fair enough. It's been a rough few months. But, what? I'm not holding lingering issues about women. Where'd you get that idea?"
"Oh, you are dear!" She was patronising me
"No I'm not" I said defiantly.
"You kinda are"
"I'm not! If I was I'd still be pining over you. But I'm not"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure! It was four years ago, and I dealt with you. I mean, I got over you"
"If you say so" she said, again, with a hint of mockery.
"Yeah, I do say so. By the way, speaking of getting over.....hows the hubby? How longs it been, two years now? I was being immature, but she was annoying me. So, I thought I'd take the focus off me, if I could.
"Three years, and fine thanks. But we're not going to waste valuable time here talking about him" She said this last part with an odd assertiveness, which shut me up, effortlessly. Also, she was right. Why did I give a shit about her husband? I hadn't even met him, but from what I'd heard he was nice enough guy. They'd got together a short while after me and Tessa had split up. It would be a waste of my time to think about him.
Tessa was clearly here for the very reason she stated; to help me and that it was important. I mean, why would she have bothered to spend the time away from her husband if it wasn't. It was kind of nice to think that she was giving me her time like this.
I decided to play ball.
"Fine. So, what happens now? Do we do a spell or something? Destroy all traces of Amy?" I was being purposely belligerent.
" No, none of that nonsense. That would just be stupid"
"Right!"
"We're going to visit her instead."
"Sure, ok, because that isn't stupid at all?!"
"Sam........"
"No it's fine. Let's go and see Amy. Let's go and invite more awkwardness" I didn't see any sense in this. What exactly did she have in mind?
"Sam, do you trust me?
"No!" I declared. This was the truth.
"That would have been easier if you'd said yes, of course. Oh well, you're going to have to on this occasion"
There was no use fighting this.
"Ok, fine" I said defeated. "What do you want me to do?"
"Simple, first you need to get dressed. I doubt I'll be able to help you in your pants!"
There was soo many jokes I could have said at this moment. But something told me that this wasn't really the right time. I mumbled "Sure, just give me a few minutes", and it really did take a few minutes. I'd assumed I'd only have to imagine being clothed, and it would be so, it being a dream and all. But everything felt strangely real. I mean, it clearly wasn't. But there was something different at work here. I could taste, smell and hear a myriad of things, or at least I believed I could.
I didn't realise until later that Tessa hadn't watched me get dressed. There'd be no reason why she would've, she had seen me naked before, as had I with her. This wasn't a shame thing, but a mark of respect that she had displayed. I don't know why but this surprised me. I threw on some clothes, checked myself in the mirror and found my way outside. The sun was still shining, but a light rain had began to fall. I instantly cursed this and quickly considered what effect this would have on my hair; I'd neglected to bring any kind of umbrella.
This thought swiftly left my head and I searched around for Tessa. I appeared to be in a town centre, an oddly quiet town centre. It must've been about 10am, but there was no one to be seen, only Tessa. I caught sight of her standing by a small tree on the promenade. Again, she was completely at odds with the surroundings, as well as the weather.
Her golden hair had fallen softly over her face, but only slightly, leaving enough space for her careful yet striking features to shine through. I noticed that her dress was dry and she seemed so serene with what was taking place. This observation immediately made me review my appearance. My conclusion; I was messy, soggy and unprepared. Not that I knew what I was supposed to be prepared for. I felt ashamed, shy and out of place.
That's when I saw Tessa smiling, her mouth gently curling up at the ends as if to mock me, but to comfort me at the same time. I couldn't resist. I knew I had to go to her. I knew that I wanted to, if anything to get some answer to this confusion.
I made my way across the wet promenade.
Chapter 2
I knew what was about to happen. I somehow knew. Maybe I recognised the street, maybe the light , sound, smell of my surroundings. Before I'd worked it out, the rippling pang of pressure bloomed in my chest, the way it always did. Then I knew exactly what was about to happen.
It was immensely calming when Tessa grabbed my hand and held my shoulder, like a damp flannel on the forehead. It appeared that I had began to stumble upon remembering the scene, so much so that Tessa had to steady me.
"Oh watch yourself. You're not still drunk, are you?" I decided to allow this jibe, simply because I really wasn't sure.
"No, it's just that, I thought I'd forgotten this" That was a lie. The memory of this moment still haunted me. In fact just being here had set me back a considerable amount of months of despair and longing. This scared me the most.
"Well I guess it's a bit pointless to say now, but, welcome to stage 1 of your 'getting over Amy process', or, as I like to call it, your 'Amy-ectomy'!" She lorded this up greatly, complete with dazzling jazz hands to really give it the impression that it was sensational, when it just felt like a wet slap in the face.
"Really?!" I exclaimed, sarcastically
"Ok, we don't have to give it a name. But you know why we're here. I can see it on your face" She said.
"Yes" I decided to tell her the truth, after all, what was the point in hiding it? I had come accustomed to the fact that I had created this scenario for myself, so thought it best to see it through. "This was the moment when I saw Amy with another man for the first time, for the first time since, well, you know."
"Uh huh!" Tessa seemed to be in control here and played the role of the supervisor through this episode.
"But, why show me this bit first? This isn't going to help me"
"I'm showing you this moment first because the most important thing that you need to do before we go any further, is simply to accept" she said
"Accept?" I asked
"Accept that Amy is not yours, that she is with another. That she was, I don't know, just another girl to you. Once you have done this, you can proceed to see her as a phase in your life, or if you prefer, a happy memory"
"Just another girl? JUST ANOTHER GIRL!?" I was shouting. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? I LOVED HER!" I began to compose myself "That's why it hurt to see them together, to see her loving someone else, and so soon after as well. Why are you putting me through this again?" I just didn't understand.
"Because you need this. And besides, you know you can do it, because you've done it before" I knew what she was getting at.
"Yes, I know, but I got over you easily enough." That didn't come out right, and I knew it. "This is different. It's hard, harder than before"
"As it would appear." She said. "Look, just give it a try. Besides, you may feel differently."
I turned away from Tessa and muttered to myself "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?" I hadn't noticed, as I had been so engaged in my debate with Tessa. The town square had suddenly filled with people, bustling around. I continued,"Why am I doing this? Why am I doing...", when my concentration was interrupted by what my eyes had settled upon. The bustling crowds had parted slightly and in the middle of the gap stood Amy, arm in arm with her new man. The moment had arrived.
Her brown hair fell loose down to her shoulders, but not over her innocent, pixie like face, with those soft triangle shaped eyes, wide in excitement, accompanying her delicate button nose. The man was wearing a hoodie and jeans, and appeared grey in comparison with the light and colour radiating from Amy. They were laughing, she was smiling. She was happy. My heart began to break again. I began to turn away.
"No!" Tessa stepped forward and grabbed my arm, to hold me in place. I hadn't noticed that she'd been behind me during this and it was she that was determined for me to witness this. "You must see this! And remember, try to look past her. Try to see her not as angelic, but as just another girl."
I stared out towards Amy and really fought against my mind and my will to fall apart. This process really hurt and I felt a stinging sensation all over my body.
"Come on, you can do it. You want to do it!" urged Tessa. I'd begun to sweat, my ears were burning, my legs growing weary.
Then it happened. I didn't believe it at first, so I took another look.
Amy's brown hair started to fade and turn a bit lighter. Then slightly darker, until it had in fact turned to grey. So did the rest of her for that matter. She continued to smile, but the character had left her. The light emanating from her began to diminish. There was just the two of them stood there now. Just another two people in the crowd, that had now begun to consume them again.
Amy was just another girl.
I was astonished. A brief and small smile broke out on my face. I turned to Tessa who was beaming at my good work.
"And so you see" said Tessa proudly, "Now she's just another girl, in your history, just as she should be. How do you feel?"
"A little exhausted" I exclaimed, through panting and sweat, "Exhausted, but somehow, happy. That was hard work, but it feels soo worth it"
"Good. That's the spirit. Now pull yourself together, we must press on, lots to do." said Tessa.
"What? You mean that wasn't it?" I was surprised, "Am I not over her now?"
"Oh no, not yet. She's not fully out of your system. Nah, that thing that happened just then, that was the easy bit!" Tessa explained.
"WHAT?!" I was genuinely shocked and a little hurt. That process was traumatic. What could possibly be worse? What was waiting ahead? I didn't get the chance to think before Tessa grabbed me by the hand and pulled me into a nearby night club. All I noticed on my way in was how the daylight had vanished and how the gloom of night had sharply descended.
"Where are we going?" I asked tentatively.
"For 'Amy-ectomy: part 2'" Tessa declared, "We're going clubbing!"
Chapter 3
The lights. The smell. The glow. The sound. I hadn't been in a club for years, especially one like this.
I was surrounded by people from where we entered, through the brightly lit corridors and into the main room itself. People with shiny and intensely colourful tshirts and dresses, as they bustled past, smiling and sweating. Everyone was in a rush, but no-one was pushing past. Everyone seemed to give each other the room and the respect, right from the golden steps at the entrance door, down to the glittering dance floor, which was bursting with pure energy. In here people seemed forever golden, forever young, and forever free. There was no cold, only warmth. There was no time, only rhythm. And, most importantly, there was no dark, only light. This was the closest I got to reality, in the whole of my dream.
Tessa was grinning wildly, as she grabbed my shoulder, "Wow, isn't it magical?! Well, come on, aren't you going to buy me a drink?"
We glided over to the bar, which was white and raised off the ground by a silver plinth. There was only a few club goers at the bar and a solitary girl of medium height stood behind it. She looked odd against the towering wall of drinks behind her, all of different shapes and sizes. She began to walk over to me. I took a few seconds to try and figure out whether I recognised her, and where from. But then it occurred to me that I didn't even know what town I was in any more. I'd woken up in my own bedroom, so I assumed I had woken as normal, in my own town. But I certainly didn't recognise the club, or the barmaid, or the other people swanning around. Any attempt to place these items within my unknown surrounding was therefore useless.
Just when I thought I was making headway, trying to rationalise this surreal experience, the barmaid started to address me, ready to take my order. She wasn't like the other barmaids in my town, as I knew it. She was attractive, but in a very understated way, as if this club was the last place she wanted to be seen, but she carried herself as if she wasn't aggrieved by this fact. This being said, her appearance didn't really pronounce her existence to me, not in the way that Tessa's did. No, at times Tessa had a way of drawing the eye of anyone, man or woman, in the room, with just a simple tilt of her head.
It was Tessa who spoke for me in this moment "Yeah, we'll have two vodka cokes!". She delivered this command lightly and with a soft smile to the barmaid. Again, she was in control. Strangely, that's what I would have ordered anyway, but she was taking command. She knew exactly what was in store for me. This made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Suddenly, the lights in the whole room flickered, only for a second or two, and then shone bright once more, just as before.
I looked out across the dance floor in the lowered platform beneath us. The colourful youthful people were everywhere. Their collective movement made the elliptical floor seem to pulse, as if it were living.
When I turned back to Tessa, our drinks had arrived, just as I had imagined, in a hand sized bottle, complete with a straw, with a slight curl to it. The straw was neon green, with a pink tinge to the curl. I looked down at my drink, and back up to Tessa with a slight frown.
"Does it fire bubbles as well?" I asked dubiously, with a hint of cynicism.
"No silly, that's what the spotlights are for" She was mocking me again. She gently took a sip of her drink and looked up at me, waiting for my reaction.
I threw her a fed up smile, folded my arms and leaned against the rail overlooking the dance floor. I wasn't angry at her, I was simply frustrated and uncomfortable. I had to admit, I was a bit confused by all of this.
"Why are we here? I don't remember this. I mean, it's great here, really fancy and fun, I guess. But I'm not seeing how it fits in with the plan. How's this place helping me to get over Amy? Besides, I thought I'd just done that outside? What else is there?" I had so many questions all of a sudden.
Tessa took another slow delicate sip of her drink, raised her face to address me, and spoke.
"It's true, you haven't been here before, and it's true that you did effectively 'get over' Amy outside. But you'll still think about her in that, er, way that you do, and I don't mean with 'fondness'". I must have looked confused, so she continued. "Clearly, you're still clinging to some sexual desires for her. She's hot. She's sexy. You're lonely and horny, and your familiarity to her draws you in. It's inevitable."
She knew me so well, "Ok, sure, but I don't understand why I can't just have that. Why can't I keep those particular memories for myself?", I asked.
"Because, they're no longer memories, they're fantasies that grow with each passing month and year. You'll gradually forget what Amy looks like. As time goes on you wont be able to pin point her exact features, mannerisms and reactions without dramatising some sort of scenario where, let's say, you both bump into each other, and then go to your bedroom and, er, bump into each other again, and again, and again, shall we say.
"Besides, she'll no longer appear as a sweet innocent girl, who you can engineer to love you tenderly, because you would've actively changed your perspective of her. You'll have made yourself see her like any other girl. Therefore, when it comes to that lonely moment on a Thursday night, in your bedroom, and you're desperate to picture her in bed with you, you wont be able to. You'll have to imagine some kind of idea, some image of what you think she should be. You'll instantly create some stunning paradigm of sex that allows you to do any number of naughty things to her, but by that point, it's already too late. You'll have replaced your 'beloved' with some hybrid of your 'perfect girl'.
"When you break out of that delirium, you'll suddenly feel nauseous and sad that you can't reclaim what once was, and that you can't have her any more, not in the way that you would like. That is why we must come here and prevent that kind of dilemma from occurring".
I had been listening to every word. But for the entire time she had been talking, I had been watching her mouth, memorised by the way her lips were curling up at the edges, and the way she half smiled as she dissected my problems. It wasn't just me either , nearly everyone who walked past sneaked a glance, as if Tessa were a celebrity. She certainly looked like one.
Also, what she was saying should've sounded as ridiculous. But she made it sound plausible. I've got to say, I began to feel like I could actually do this. The lights flickered once more, and then returned to normal.
"You paint quite a picture" I said, after a brief pause.
"Well it's easy when you're working with a blank canvas" she mocked
"Oooo ouch!" I exclaimed in good humour, "Well I'm glad I could be such a big inspiration" I hoped the innuendo wouldn't be wasted on Tessa.
It wasn't. "It's amazing what you can do with such a small brush" she flashed me a cheeky grin as her mouth searched for the straw of her drink.
This was dumb. We were somehow flirting, and in such an embarrassing way. The not so subtle suggestive imagery we were bouncing back and forth didn't even make that much sense. I was so confused; why was she still talking to me?
We laughed for a bit before settling back into the matter at hand. Almost in a flash, the lights dimmed, making everyone's tops and t shirts sparkle. The deep murmur of a bass line bubbled through the clenched atmosphere, followed shortly by a stabbing, ascending crisp synthesised melody. There was something about the song, as it projected from the speakers, that seemed to demand our concentration and the focus of the entire room. The song both unified and defined everyone in that space. It was the comfort of chocolate and the tang of sex, poured though the sound system, and into our ears. It was exciting. It was music.
Me and Tessa looked at each other, with just one word on our minds. Tessa grabbed my arm, "Come on, show me if you can still dance".
How could I refuse? She led me through the wafting crowd to the centre of the now packed dance floor, just as the thumping chorus kicked in. We were swaying and bouncing in unison and all the time guiding each other with our eyes. This was intensely comforting. Every so often, I'd catch a glimpse of her golden locks, catching the laser lights, the beams shining through the individual strands as they glided through the air.
I tried to keep up with her moves, but she was too in sync with the driving groove for me to catch up. She was completely in control, with her body and her movements, whereas, I felt suddenly drunk and sloppy. As if she'd read my mind, she stopped tossing her head around and starred deep into my eyes, immediately commanding my focus. She placed one hand at the top of my left hip and her other on my right and with a few slow careful nudges, she directed me until I was nestled safely within her groove. She was controlling me, but I didn't mind. This was beautifully intense.
Now we were gliding, in time with the beat, following each others eyes. Sweat began to form on our skins, with our clothes beginning to cling to our swaying bodies. Our faces were only inches apart. My hands were on her hips now. We swayed faster. Our eyes widened. The lights got brighter and shimmered off Tessa's sweat caked cheeks. She broke into a warm half smile, which accentuated her small dimples.
The lights were really bright now, the laser's flicking in intervals, in time with the beat. I saw Tessa slowly raise her upper teeth over her lower lip and bite down gently. I focussed my stare, first on her eyes, then the patch of skin she was nibbling into. This alone made my body heat up and I felt myself yearning for her, the harder she bit. She closed her eyes. She lost herself for a moment, as did I.
When I recovered momentarily, I glanced around to see if anyone was writhing in jealousy at our sordid display. They all were. All eyes were on us. All eyes, apart from one pair. That's when I saw Amy across the swelling dance floor.
It hit me like a bullet. She must have been there the whole time. She hadn't noticed us. She was too involved in her own seductive trance to care. She appeared effortlessly young and free.
In an instant, I stopped swaying, fell out of the rhythm and dropped my hands to my side and began to shift my body in Amy's direction. Tessa lost her grip on my waist, her smile fell away, as she began to step back away from me.
"I can't believe it" I exclaimed "She's...she's here. She..she's dancing" I had no idea what I was saying.
"Sam, Sam!" Tessa was trying to centre my focus, to control me again, "Remember to forget about her. She's not important. Stay focussed on me."
I quickly glanced at Tessa, her eyes pleading for me. I shot a glance back over to Amy, her eyes drawing me in.
"I'm...I'm...I'm sorry....I...I need to talk to....I...she's just there", I was babbling loosing control on my speech, "I'm...I'm...I'll be right back." I walked quickly away from Tessa, my mind focussed on where Amy was dancing.
"Sam, wait!" Tessa shouted after me. But I was gone.
As I got closer, more and more people seemed to descend around Amy, blocking my path. I found myself constantly pushing against a seemingly endless wall of people, hoisting myself over their shoulders as they danced. I managed to catch brief glimpses of Amy, shaking her body suggestively, shaking off her sweat, performing a raunchy dip in a groove. My mouth was watering, I was suddenly hungry for her, if only I could get passed all of these dancers. The lights were flickering wildly and brightly.
The people swarmed ahead of me and all around me. I started to shout and curse in an attempt to part them. But this was drowned out by the sudden increase in volume from the speakers. My hearing was shot. The beat and groove had all but disappeared, merged in an ugly mess of noise and bass. The light had become intense, shining as just a single glare of white across everyone in the room, permeating my eyes.
The sudden sharp memory of Tessa flickered through my mind. I quickly turned around, my eyes searching, but she had disappeared in the intense white mist. Had she left me again? Had I lost her?
I was alone in the white. Suddenly alone. No more music. No more sound. No more Amy. No more Tessa. Just me, standing alone with my vodka coke clutched tightly in my hands. I placed the drink to my lips in an attempt to feel the sparkling liquid against my throat, to feel something real. But instead I felt a sharp burning.
The burning got suddenly bigger and more sharp. Instinctively, my hands jumped up to my throat, as if this would quell the pain. The burning was too intense. It knocked me off my feet and I felt myself falling backwards great speed. Falling backwards with nothing to fall onto. I was falling hard.
Chapter 4
"Sam............Sam.............hey, sleepy head!"
The words came harshly and pierced my ears. The sound was damp and over familiar.
I opened my eyes slowly, half expecting to be shaken by whatever regret was waiting for me. I was surprised. I'd ended up back in my room, which was draped in a heavy yellow and brown glare, the kind that resonates from a dying light bulb. Maybe it was my imagination, but some of the furniture and fittings seemed to be floating, or perhaps vibrating, softly.
Standing jagged, hard against my chest of drawers, Tessa stood with arms folded, starring at me. Her loose hair had turned tense and curly and her purple dress appeared flattened and ironed, which somehow gave her an authoritative bearing.
"Well, well, well.........turns out that you can't even dance, IN A DREAM!" She declared mockingly "It's just sad , is all."
"Ok, I get it. I fucked up" I admitted
"Oh, you didn't fuck up. Fucking up would suggest that you actually achieved something. No, what actually happened there was you stumbling and failing miserably, like a car crash but without the drama, and the, er, drive...."
It was all flooding back to me. But I still believed that I'd made some headway. "I was having fun, while it lasted, and I was smiling, I think" I was convinced.
"If you count stumbling around, banging into people, sweating, before falling to the floor as 'fun', then, yeah sure, why not!?" Tessa didn't seem fazed by the fact that I had left her on the dance floor, but more so that I had failed my task.
I was sick of all the teasing, "Just stop it. Please give it a rest!"
"GIVE IT A REST!" Tessa shouted. I hadn't heard her do this before, "I took you there to purge the last remaining thoughts of Amy and focus your passions. But you blew it all by running after her all over again. You failed, failed to achieve the very objective, that you were there to complete!"
"Now, hang on a second." I had to interject, "I never actually danced with Amy. If I wanted her that badly, wouldn't I have jumped on her and, I don't know, shagged her right on the dance floor?" I couldn't help being crude, I was angry, "Besides, all those people got in my way. I suppose that was my own way of stopping myself?"
Tessa sighed, "It wasn't about actually dancing with Amy. The test was fighting the very need to. Of course you were going to place her on the dance floor. You must have known that you'd do that to yourself. You were meant to resist her. And it's such a shame, for the briefest time I really thought you'd kicked it, when we were dancing together..."
My mind twitched. "Ahhhh, that's it isn't it? This isn't about me, or Amy. It's about You, me and You" I felt the absurdity and stupidity of what I'd said, as I said it, "You're just jealous. Jealous that I'm pining over someone else. That I yearn for another. That you're no longer my 'ex'!"
Throughout this unnecessary outburst, I had risen from the bed I'd been laying in and was stood facing Tessa across the room, pointing awkwardly. I'd also built myself into a wild frenzy, which made me embarrassed. Tessa's face said it all. It was a mixture of disdain, disappointment, hurt, but most of all, exhaustion.
"Finished?" She delivered this in the style of a fed up mother, disappointed, looking down at a disobedient child, face down in a mood.
I didn't feel the need to apologise for this, even though I probably should. "You should have stopped me!" I decided.
"Why should I have stopped you?" Tessa asked.
"To keep me from 'blowing it', as you so poetically put it" I replied.
"Why didn't you stop yourself?"
"Because I was waiting for you to step in, and, I don't know, pull me back, or something"
"How would that have helped?"
I was getting tired of her questions, "Well, it would have changed my direction, my intent, for one. Maybe all I really need is a punch, or kick to rid me of this....delusion?" I was floundering, in an attempt to be assertive. Even now, Tessa had control.
"So, violence is the answer, is it?" Tessa seemed to be retreating, backing slowly against the drawers, pressing the drawers against the wall, making the mirror on top shake slightly.
"What's with all the fucking questions?" This seemed like an important question for me to ask, for some reason.
"Don't ask me. Do you know?" she was beginning to break into a cheeky smile.
"Stop it!" I was getting angry; my hands making sharp motions through the air. "Why can't you just be glad for me?"
"How can I be glad for you when you're acting so weak?"
"Shut up. Just....SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I was fuming, I was right up in Tessa's face.
"And, why do you need for me to stop?" She was really pushing me.
"BECAUSE.....BECAUSE....." I could feel myself snapping
"Because?......"
"AHHHHHHH, STOP CONTROLLING ME! WHY ARE YOU IN CONTROL?! WHY AM I NOT IN CONTROL?!"
Tessa left the question hang in the air for a few vital seconds, before revealing, quite sweetly, the treasure I had been seeking. My attitude. My purpose, "Now.....there's an idea!"
It hit me in the same way that the bass and lights had in the club. It had the same affect. It had washed over me, cooling the sweat that had grown on my face, as a result of my rant. The truth; the error of my ways, soaked me through. I felt my face contorting, changing from the angst and strain from before, into a more shocked, yet calm shape, as I took this all in. Of course the most obvious and pure answer to this riddle had seemed so outlandish, but now seemed so normal and basic.
Control. All I had to do, all I had needed to do was to take the reigns and focus. Suddenly, all the moments in the past 10 months, no, the past 4 years seemed to jump out in my mind like a badly edited action sequence. All the awkward and shameful, ill conceived, badly acted performances I had committed since my break up with Amy. And then, like a thunderbolt, events from before Amy burst into view also. I was presented with episodes from when I was moping over Tessa and our fateful relationship.
I was suddenly shot with a another cool wave of air. How had I not seen this before? This explained everything. Why I had reacted so oddly to the Amy breakup. Why Tessa was even here, experiencing this with me. Why I had reacted to Tessa in such a way, with such a disdain. That was it, this was cooling. I wasn't in control of my mind, and with it, I wasn't over Tessa! This was my awakening, my eyes were opening.
I realised that I'd been stood staring at Tessa, beyond Tessa, intensely glaring at myself in the mirror behind her. My left hand was clutching her right shoulder tightly. This whole thing felt odd, as if I was in pain, when in fact I was tranquil. I let go of Tessa, turned around and found a spot in the middle of the room where the floor wasn't spinning. I took a few careful steps and stood for a while, away from everything else; at peace. Here, I silently replayed the last 4 years over in my mind, revisiting screen shots of memories. Flipping them. Reshaping. Clipping. Cropping. Seeing them differently. It was very moving. The weight that I had felt in my chest and head for so long, was lifting and floating away across the glare of the room towards the open window. Sunlight was streaming in. It must have become day again. The light cooled the beads of sweat on my forehead and neck.
I felt Tessa's small hand on my arm, clutching softly. She'd been stood behind me the whole time.
"Are you ok?" Her voice had lost it's spiky demeanour. It was gentle and somehow caring.
"I'm fine" I replied, "I'm finally fine" And it was true.
I finally felt calm and relaxed. I began musing aloud.
"I've allowed myself to be consumed by some kind of fear, some kind of anxiety for the longest time. It's been eating me, been hindering me. I've been alone, on my own time. The hours, the days, the years I could have saved. Oh, what a time I have had. For some reason I've stored all my memories, all of my thoughts in the wrong way, but seemingly on purpose. Like hiding treasure, when I know exactly where to look. I've just been hurting myself and driving myself into the ground".
As if reminding myself of what that looked like, I looked down towards my feet. And for the first time in a long while, a large and genuine smile broke out across my face. This was peace. This was serenity. This was happiness.
"It's ok" I addressed Tessa from over my shoulder, "You don't need to tell me. I know exactly where we're heading next. The final part of this puzzle. The final part of my 'Amy-ectomy'" I could feel Tessa smiling softly and warmly at this last line. After all, this literal 'in joke' was for her benefit.
I turned to face her. I was seeing Tessa with new eyes now. Somehow, the gold tint had left her hair and her facial features had diminished somewhat. But, she retained her true beauty.
I took her right hand in my left. "It's amazing what you can do with such a small brush". I grinned as she acknowledged this earlier reference and I grinned back, now that our time here together had become something more than when we started. I led here towards the open door that gave entry to the busy shop floor; the shop where I first met Amy.
Chapter 5
Open. The entire floor was open.
The doors that once separated each part in the large store had long since been removed, it would appear. It was easy for us to travel from one shelf to another, or to float from one floor to the next, in moments. It appeared that the walls had been recently painted a fresh coat of white. The clean smell was strong. The light from the street outside, and down below, was bouncing off the walls and hitting the ivory floors, providing a glistening path for us to travel on.
I knew exactly where she would be standing, where I would meet her for the first time.
I dragged Tessa and headed straight for the checkout desk where Amy stood. She looked so innocent, pure in her being. Untouched. Before we got too close, Tessa slowed down and eventually halted, as we passed by some neatly stacked kitchen ware. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and I was strangely glad to hear it.
"I think I'm going to linger here. I don't think I'm going to go any further. You can take it from here" said Tessa softly. It was endearing.
I stood, staring at her, letting the smile break out over my face. "There have been a hundred and one things I've wanted to say to you over the past 4 years, if I ever got the chance" I said "But, all I really need to say, all I've ever needed to say was, thank you!"
And I meant it. I'd always known that this was far from real. That this journey, this awakening had been built by me, for a reason. A reason I now knew. Tessa had been my saviour, my angel, my guiding light, my shepherd. My mind had changed towards her. I now looked upon her with respect and fondness. And besides which, it was great just to see her again.
Tessa simply smiled at my statement, cocked her head to the side playfully and gently spoke, "Good luck, sleepy head!". With this she raised her right hand and gave me a childlike wave, turned gracefully, and floated away out of sight.
I let my smile linger for a moment, and then I turned in Amy's direction. I still had one final act to do here. I just needed a legitimate reason to go over to the counter. Even here the fear of an awkward encounter was fixed firmly at the back of my mind. But this time I had a plan.
I looked to my left in an attempt to find something, anything to 'buy', to get me to the desk. I reached out and grabbed a small blue plastic bottle opener. I didn't spend any time deciding on why I had chosen this item in particular, right now it wasn't important. I picked it up and walked slowly over to the counter.
When up close, I instantly felt taller, as if I could reach right over the counter and touch Amy. But I didn't. I now knew better. I placed the bottle opener on the desk.
"Hello!" I spoke
"Hey" murmured Amy, not looking up from a doodle she'd begun. This was just as I'd remembered it. "How can I help?"
I pushed the plastic bottle opener into her field of vision, "Just this, thank you" She had to look up, surely.
She did. I can only imagine what I must have looked like. Not only the first time around, but now, in all my shining glory. A changed man. She gazed at me for a brief moment, with me glaring at her now, un-fazed, letting this play out. Then she asked almost eloquently, "Oh, ok. Do you want it gift wrapped?"
"No" I said, "It's not a present"
"Oh, that's ok then" She had started to giggle, "'Cos, it would be a bit of a strange present to give someone, wouldn't it?"
I had a slight grin on my face, "Yes, I suppose it would. What would you think if you got this as a present?" I asked with confidence.
"It would depend upon who was giving it to me" Her lips curled at the edges as she delivered this, gazing into my eyes.
"I bet" I replied. I would have thrived upon this interaction, a short while ago, this rare chance to flirt with Amy. But I had changed. I no longer longed for her. I no longer needed to. She was now just a sweet glint, a major chord struck at the end of this tortured and worthwhile process. "Well, maybe one day, someone will get you something you really want. Something that'll make you truly happy. And I bet, that that person will be the happiest in return. You'll be the couple whose gift's simply are, each other. This I hope for, for you. Me? I'm ok. I seek something more now. But, I wish you the purest happiness, as I believed we had once. But, that's gone now. Gone." With this, I grabbed the bottle opener, and turned away from the counter to leave.
Amy stood there in mild shock, seemingly not knowing how quite to react.
"It's ok" I reassured her, "Things get better. They will seem bad, a lot of the time. But then you'll sleep, wake up and feel just right . Believe me." I raised the bottle opener in my left hand and gestured toward Amy, "Thank you for this gift. I'll always treasure it!"
Amy continued to glare for a moment, and then let a small smile creep across her small face. At this moment, she reminded me of Tessa, in an odd way. Within a few seconds, the air had grown warm around me and the white lights had surrounded me again. But this time like a blanket. I knew what this was, and embraced it.
For the first time, in a long time, I was at peace. Relaxed. Content. Happy, and ready.
I lay back down on the soft ground beneath me and closed my eyes. My eye lids were light and cooling.
Chapter 6
The tangy taste. It's always the strong tangy taste that hits you first. The slight burn on your throat. The light bubbling of acidic liquid bouncing around your mouth, accompanied by the dense meaty pong of stale ale. This is what hits you first.
I had to deal with this, fast. I could already feel my stomach churning. I tried to let my eyes open, but every time I did, the yellowy-brown light smeared my sight. Maybe it was the gross conflict of these two elements; the colour and the taste, that brought a sudden pain to my head, right around my eyes. This ultimately made me buckle in agony, the familiar agony that I had inflicted upon myself so many times, as of late.
I knew what I must do. I had to wake up. I had to get up. There was no way that I was going to be sick all over my bed sheets again, as that was what was brewing, fast. I had to get up. I had to move. Wake up sleepy head! What, where did that come from? I never say that, do I?
I forced my weary frame over the side of the bed, kicking against the messed duvet and fought to untangle my cold feet from the crumpled sheets. I placed one foot firmly on the ground and the other caught the cold steel edge of my loose belt buckle, which was still attached, rather haphazardly, to my discarded jeans.
I wasn't sure how much time passed, maybe only seconds. I found myself perched on the edge of the bed, deep in thought. This was a cloudy process. More of a jumble of images of my so called 'friends' from the bar, a repetitive booming dance track, a rainy taxi rank, a hazy department store, a rowdy hen party, a mirror, some of my ex-girlfriends, the first ale, the seventh ale. Oh god, the ale! The very thought of it did the trick.
Within moments, I was stumbling across the dirty carpet, awash with remnants of my night; odd bits of dirty clothes, a glow stick. I reached the small toilet in the cubicle room at the end of the room and lifted the lid, in record time.
I crashed my knees onto the cold dry linoleum floor and leaned deep into the toilet pan, holding tightly onto the rim of the porcelain, waiting for the inevitable.
Every time I got into this state, I would feel a great shame and the regret of a broken self promise, just as the stodgy burning condensed alcohol from the night before came spurting from my dry lips and down into the pan below. This was often accompanied by the higher feeling of wild abandon. The sweet feeling that a great evil was leaving my body to make way for good to take its place. This time was no different.
After several violent purges, the vomiting had ceased. The trial was over.
I lay back against the thin plaster wall and wiped the tiny beads of sweat off my forehead with the back of my pale left hand. I sat there softly panting, studying the dim grey light as it entered the window and cast a dull, saddening glow on my entire room. I scanned the room before me, looking over the mess on the floor, being careful not to take in the mix of stenches emanating from my bed and toilet, respectively. Amongst the filth on the floor, my heavy eyes were drawn to a solitary blue and silver item, nestled in the centre of the room. Oh yes, of course, it was my bottle opener. The architect of my downfall. I had used it several times before leaving the flat the night before 15 hours earlier, a lifetime ago. when making my way through my conservative selection of bottled ale. I instantly fought back the urge to vomit once more.
I was fixated on the bottle opener, for some reason. I hadn't always owned it. Where did I get it again? When did I get it? I suddenly remembered. I had bought that particular item by way of a relatively lame excuse, engineered to have a chance to talk to the girl who would later become my girlfriend, Amy, back when she worked in that shop. Didn't I dream of that last night, I thought to myself. I couldn't be to sure.
Besides, why was I dwelling on that? I hadn't seen that bitch in over 8 months. She was with what's-his-name these days. Why should I care?
I gave myself another 30 minutes rest against the damp wall before carefully lifting myself up onto my feet. The ascent to this great height had come at a price. I clutched my head with my right hand and slowly paced into my room beyond. I needed to find the paracetamol, to ease the pain. Where was it?
God, what a mess! I should really deal with this before it gets worse, I had decided. Now was the time, now that I had the energy.
I began by picking up one tiny piece of drunken night memorabilia at a time, desperately finding relevant homes for the random items. Until, I decided that the best and most productive approach was just to collect all of it together, throw it a bag and dispose of it. I needed it gone.
I reached for my broom, dwarfed by the piles of dirty clothes and junk beside it, and began clearing a path.
Treasure Hiding
Ben Hawling
